


I did not sign up for this

by The_Artsonist



Series: the Miitopia Chronicles [1]
Category: Miitopia (Video Game)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Other, T for swearing, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:42:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26052871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Artsonist/pseuds/The_Artsonist
Summary: the wonderful world of Miitopia gets saved by a bunch of idiots
Relationships: You'll find out ;) - Relationship
Series: the Miitopia Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891240
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. Arrival

Moana sighed as they looked at their map, Holding onto it tightly so it wouldn’t fall out of their grip. They walked through the mass of trees that surrounded them, trying to find the exit. Sun shined through a space in the mass of green. They shifted the bushes and leaves out of their way, relishing in the way the sun landed on them.

“Fricken finally.” They breathed out, brushing a few stray leaves off themselves and the map. “Now where am I?” Moana surveyed the map, looking for anything that seemed familiar.

“GreenHorne? What kinda name for a kingdom is that?”

They shrugged, moving forward on the lush green morre. 

After an hour or two, they stopped and yawned. “This place is hella peaceful.” Moana stretched, popping their back muscles and closing their eyes. “Hm?” Moana hummed, noticing a strange sound coming from above them. They opened their eyes finding the thing making the sound was…

...a pair of floating eyes..?

“What the fuck..?”

They watched, utterly confused, as the eyes moved towards one of the giant butterflies native to the area and… attached itself to it? The creature turned to Moana, screeching loudly, ready to attack.

“Oh fuck, oh shit!” They yelled, quickly sprinting away from the being that was most likely trying to eat them. They stopped, out of breath, and swore when realizing they had left their map behind. “Where the hell am I now?” Moana asked no one in particular. They looked off in the distance, spotting a town. _This is gonna be a big mistake, isn’t it?_

Moana entered the town, rubbing their eyes tiredly. They saw a man wearing an orange sweater standing near the entrance, the man spotted them and smiled, walking over. “What’s up with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost! I’m Leonel, he/him pronouns, by the way.” The man, Leonel apparently, asked.

“I was attacked by a fucking butterfly with eyes on the wings.”

“Gyahaha!” Leonel laughed. “You gotta be kidding me! Greenhorne is a peaceful place. A place to leave all your woes behind.” Moana arched an eyebrow at that. _Oh really? Why do I feel that’s gonna bite you in the ass?_

Moana went through the town, talking to the residents, who all reacted the same way as Leonel, except for a young child by the name of Bernardo. Instead, the child changed from pretending to be a dragon to one of the butterflies. It made Moana smirk.

They made it to the edge of the village, spotting what looked like the mayor among the dozens of houses. Moana walked towards the person, snapping their fingers to get their attention. The guy jumped turning to Moana before quickly collecting their bearings.

“Oh hello! Didn’t see you there! I’m Ivo, mayor of the town. I use Star/Stim pronouns, you?” The enby asked. “Moana, they/them.” 

“Greenhorne’s a nice town.”

“I guess-”

“But I’m the mayor, so I kind of have to say that.”

“Snrk-” 

“HAHAHA I CA- I CAN’T BREATHE-E, HAHAHA HAHAHA!”

Moana and Ivo looked up, confused, as neither of them had either laughed that hard or laughed at all. 

Above them, a person with blue-ish gray skin, wearing a purple robe with a hood lined with blue faux fur was still laughing maniacally, their sharp teeth glinting behind their long black hair covering their right eye.

“Oh no! It’s-”

“Yeah, it’s me, the amazing dark lord Charlotte!” The dark mage interrupted, smiling down at the townsfolk and Moana. Her smile faltered when Moana didn’t even flinch at her obviously menacing smile. Quickly regaining her composure, she went back to doing her trademark smile. “I’ve come to wreak havoc and terror on this miserable world! And I’m starting with you, people of Greenhorne!”

Moana just stared. _Is this girl for real?_

“Time to taste TRUE fear! Say goodbye to your facial features!”

Just as Moana thought this couldn’t get any weirder, they heard screams to their left. Low and behold, the faces of various townsfolk flew into the sky, settling next to their… Face-Napper? Ivo was panicking. “Oh! It’s terrible! Their f-faces!” It was obvious to Moana that that was the exact reaction this empress wanted to hear, as she smiled in satisfaction at the fear in Ivo’s voice.

“Hmph! This will do nicely for now. Listen up you faceless freaks!”

Moana’s eyes hardened. _That was a low blow. You are the reason they're like that ms. pay-attention-to-me._

“Get used to a life of wordless terror, because that’s what you’re stuck with!”

Moana growled like a rabid animal.

“And those who’ve been spared…” The Empress made a show of looking at the fuming Moana. She leaned in closer. “Take a long look at your poor little friends...AND DESPAIR!” Moana took off their hand-bag, hitting the Empress as hard as they could with it.

“OW! FINE, I'M LEAVING!” Charlotte screeched, holding her face, clearly somewhat afraid of the young adventurer and their hand-bag. She left, only leaving a shadowy trail behind.

Moana stared blankly at the spot that the villain once stood before muttering under their breath, “What the hell am I supposed to do now?


	2. wtf is happening

Moana roamed the now half-empty town, grimacing when noticing anyone without a face, muttering sympathetic apologies to the families of those affected. 

Suddenly, the mother of the now faceless Bernardo approached them, pleadingly asking, “Oh! Adventurer! I beg you, please! Please help my Bernardo!”

Moana nodded, filled with determination to save the small child. “I swear on my life I will get you your child back.”

“Oh thank you so much! Take this pendant, it’s our good luck charm!” The mother handed Moana the charm. It had a gold frame attached to a leather cord with a round purple stone embedded in the middle, accented with a closed eye painted gold on the stone. It seemed to glow.

Moana held the charm, running their thumb over the eye. “Aight.”

“I fear the Dark Empress still lurks nearby. Maybe you should take a look around outside town?” The mother said pointing to the gate of the town. Moana put on the pendant, walking towards the gate. They put some gold on the stand a once cheery old lady, now faceless, sat grabbing a long sheet of paper to start constructing their own map for their mission.

Exiting the town, they decided to head south on an old beaten up path. After like, five minutes, they notice the black smoke that seemed to radiate near the… Empress? Ruler..? They couldn’t remember. 

Moana clapped their hands, gaining the attention of the dark...person. The person winced turning to face them (ha face), their grimace turned into a fake smile, clearly trying to look threatening.

It didn’t really work.

“Um- ahem, hello, bag-person, are you trying to be a little hero?”

“It’s Moana, and just give the kids face back.”

The Dark person held out a hand, manifesting Bernardo’s face. “T-this old thing? Maybe I’ll give him back to you, I-if you can beat him in a fight!” A shadowy mist flowed through her hands, creating a slime monster.

“Oh fuck.”

Bernardo’s face attached to the slime and started approaching Moana, ready to attack. “Be seeing you! I-if you survive, that is!” And with that, Charlotte left. Moana stared at the slime, uncomfortable. “So uh…” The slime pounced.

“FUCK!”

Moana opened their eyes, confused. _Aren’t I supposed to be dead?_ Then they looked down. The pendant was… glowing brighter? Suddenly the charm started levitating upwards.

Bringing Moana with it.

They started choking, scrambling to free themselves and swearing profusely all the while. They finally got the charm off, falling to the ground gasping for air, shoving their middle finger in the charms' general direction. “..fuck… _*cough*_...you…”

The charm glowed a blinding white, setting Moana in a daze for a few seconds, and when they looked up they found they were in a fever dream of a place. The walls looked like they were dripping pink and blue paint upwards somehow and the ground felt like a sponge with water flowing outwards, in circling them. Then a voice started talking.

**_“Moana. Moana can you hear me?”_ **

The person in question, too tired to be terrified of a disembodied voice, smirked. “No.”

**_“Ho-ho! It does seem like you’re hearing me… What good fortune this is! Now you may not believe this, but I’m kind of a… guardian spirit.”_ **

“You’re correct in that assumption.”

**_“Please, just hear me out. It seems you are in a bit of trouble, my child.”_ **

“I’m 23.”

**_“Would you like a little help?”_ **

“... What kind of help are you talking about?”

**_“Ho-ho! Excellent, excellent!”_ **

“I didn’t agree-“

**_"I, er, bestoweth upon thee the awesome power of the guardian!”_ **

“I DIDN'T SAY YES-“

**_“ Hurrrrrgh… HAAAA!!”_ **

“ARE YOU JACKI-“

The bright light reappeared, interrupting Moana and setting a holographic screen in front of them.

**_“Now, select a job you would like.”_ **

Moana looked at the screen where 6 buttons were displayed. They each read something different with a specific picture for each.

A sword for a Warrior, a wand for a Mage, a Staff for a Cleric, you get the idea. Moana looked at each image and their descriptions, picking the one they had already had some experience in.

They would become a Thief.


	3. Am I a murderer now?

Moana closed their eyes as they felt a glow encompass them as they pressed the button, and when they opened them as they felt the glow leave, they gasped. Their clothes looked completely different. Now instead of their travel gear, they wore a red knitted beanie with red goggles hung around their neck over a small orange neck-warmer type of item, accompanied with a red flannel shirt under a puffy red vest, white shorts and brown boots. As well as an assortment of lock-picks, traps and a dagger on their belt. Moana lightly ran their fingers over the clothing. “What the fuck..?”

**_“Ho-ho!”_ **

Moana jumped, forgetting the voice had even existed. “HOLY SHIT.”

**_“This is just what you need to deal with the Dark Empress' fiends! Now fight, O Moana! Make your foes fear you!”_ **

“Again, I never agreed to this.”

The trippy room faded away, finding Moana next to the slime again. “So… Can I back out or not?” The slime answered by trying to attack. Moana quickly dodged. “Welp. Hope this won’t count as murder.” They reached to their belt, grabbing the dagger. 

They took a swing, slashing the slime in half. It quickly retaliated hitting its target, knocking Moana to the ground. Moana swung again, getting some of the slime on them, tripping them. They got back up, furious, stomping on the now small slime, killing it.“Good fucking riddance.”

Bernardo’s face flew up, and towards the town, likely back to its owner. Moana looked down, noticing the excess slime, quickly grabbing a container from their travel-bag. Hey, you never know when your next meal might be.

They sat down, tired. 

**_“Excellent work, young Moana!”_ **

“DUDE! STOP DOING THAT. YOU’RE GONNA GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK!”

**_“Now that child should be safe. Ho-ho! Things are looking up!”_ **

“No, they aren’t.”

**_“Time to make your way back to the town of Greenhorne.”_ **

“Fricken fine.” Moana got up, dusting themselves off and heading towards the town.

Moana entered through the gate, quickly heading to Bernardo's body to see if this had actually worked. As they arrived they spotted the child's face settling back onto his body, attaching. Bernardo blinked, then jumped up squealing. “I’m back!” The mother rushed towards her child checking for any injuries. “Mum! I’m fine!” The child protested. "Oh, thank the stars! And thank YOU, kind traveller! Please, take this as a mother's appreciation." The mother handed Moana 200 gold pieces before walking away with her child. 

Moana blinked, finding themself back in trippy city.

**_“Ho-ho! Wonderful, just wonderful! Now then, Moana, my child.”_ **

“Again, I'm 23.”

**_“I have another task for you.”_ **

“Of course you do.”

**_“You have seen the deeds of Dark Empress Charlotte. She’s made quite the mess, and that’s putting it mildly.”_ **

“Mhm.”

**_“So I ask you to defeat the vile Charlotte, and save this world!”_ **

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?"

…

"Fiiiiine”

**_“I am so very happy to hear that!”_ **

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your voice in a twist.”

**_“Your new powers should help you contend with Charlotte. Now, Thief Moana! Go forth! Defeat the Dark Empress!”_ **

“That sounds WAY less appealing when you say it out loud.”

**_“I expect great things from you! Ho-ho!”_ **

“Question, are you Santa or something?” Before their question could be answered, Moana found themselves back in the normal world. They sighed, heading for the town exit. _Fuck my life._


	4. ...Hi?

At the split-roads outside of town, Moana turned left instead of going forward again, choosing to stick to the plains before heading back into the jungle. They breathed out a sigh. “Here we go.” They walked, looking at the landscape as they went. They started humming a tune, trying to fill the silence that surrounded them, when they heard something else. Looking around, they spotted it, one of the native Rock Moths that had gotten them into this mess sporting another pair of eyes. 

Moana approached it, breathing out slightly when the thing noticed them and started to move forward. They slashed at it with their dagger, cracking the crystal-like material that it was made out of, and they quickly dodged the offending clap of the moth's wings. They struck again, slicing the thing in half and freeing the eyes stuck to the creature.

They panted, holding their hands to their chest when they heard that damn voice again.

**_“Ho-ho! Those faces just fly right off of defeated monsters, eh?”_ **

“Let it be known, I kind of hate you.”

**_“Whoever owned that face has you to thank for freeing it. Just like with that sassy youngster you helped earlier… Put another way, defeating monsters helps people get their faces back.”_ **

“No shit.”

**_“So keep defeating monsters, and help as many people as you can!”_ **

“...”

**_“Can you do that for me, Moana? Ho-ho!”_ **

“Shut up.”

Moana grimaced, putting the dagger back in its holster on their belt when suddenly, they felt a surge of power course through them. Looking down they saw they were glowing a red hue. The glow faded away quickly but the power stayed. “D-did I just level up like in D&D or something?” The pendant they were still wearing glowed in response. “Well shit. That’s good to know.” 

After grabbing some rations off the Rock Moth, they pressed onward, continuing to walk amongst the rocks and hills. They sensed a presence behind them, turning around, they came face to face with another Moth. They went to grab their dagger when they were attacked by another one behind them, the Moth screeching loudly, disorienting them.

They stumbled, falling on the grass and quickly getting swarmed. They tried to grab their dagger but the Rock Moths slapped it away before continuing to try and slap Moana to death. Moana grit their teeth.

“A LITTLE HELP SANTA CLAUSE?!” They yelled, wanting to kill the damn spirit dude, for not helping in the first place.

_**“Don’t worry! Help is coming soon!”**_

“THANK FUCK!”

Rusty didn’t know what compelled him to put on his old chef outfit and take himself and his frying pan to the plains of Greenhorne, but he was sure glad it did. Finding a new friendo being mauled by two really mean butterflies ground his gears. How could any creature do that to another?! That just wouldn’t do, so he smacked one of the meanie-flies with his frying pan, slamming it into the ground and stomping on it.

One down, one to go.

He jumped on the back of the last butterfly, trying to be as quick as possible for the friendo still on the ground. He grabbed on the wings, pulling them away from each other, ripping the thing in half and covering himself in the honey that was inside it. He fell to the ground with an “Oof!” before picking himself up and heading towards the friendo in red.

Moana had their eyes closed, not wanting to watch themselves get beaten to death when they heard the sounds of fighting and the incessant slapping stopped. After a vicious tearing sound and a small "oof" was heard, they opened their eyes to find… not what they were expecting.

A man with big unkempt bushy brown-ish red hair and freckles, wearing a brown leather chef's uniform that was covered in pink goop sat in front of them, smiling lightly. Looking behind the man, they saw two Rock Moth corpses on the ground covered in the same pink goo, one was ripped in half while the other had a frying pan embedded in it.

“You ok friendo?” Moana snapped their head towards the man, seeing him look concerned. “Yeah, thank you for the help. I’m Moana, you?” The guy smiled, reaching out a hand. “I’m Chef Rusty at your service! It’s nice to meet you Moana!” Grabbing the hand, Rusty helped Moana up before going to the Moths and picking up the frying pan, shaking it to get the Moth carcass off.

“Well Moana, do you know why the butterflies had eyes on their wings?”

And so Moana relayed everything they knew to Rusty, watching him think afterward. “So you're chasing after this big evil empress lady to save all of the world?” 

Moana yawned. “Pretty much.”

“Ok, can I come with?”

“Welcome to the team I guess? Your loss if you find me annoying.”

“You’re not annoying.”

“Ok.”


	5. Let me go the fuck to sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back? back again, Red's back, with more shit

_**“Ho-ho! So you’re still in one piece eh?”**_

Rusty, confused, looked around Moana, hearing the voice come from their direction. His eyes fell on the glowing pendant around their neck. His head, not unlike a puppy, tilted curiously. “Is your pendant talking to you?”

Moana nodded. “That pendant is where the spirit bitch lives.”

They looked down at the pendant, glancing up when hearing a quiet “Language…” from their new teammate. 

_**“You two should get to know each other as you travel. The deeper your friendship, the more powerful you’ll become. Bon voyage! Ho-ho!”**_

Rusty looked up from the pendant, and looking at Moana with the most serious face he could muster asked: “Is he Santa Clause?”

Moana smirked, tucking the pendant under their neckwarmer, replying with, “I’ve been asking that since we first met.” Rusty snorted, and so, they continued on their way, chatting all the while.

Suddenly, Rusty tripped, falling flat on his face. Moana snickered as he picked himself up and looked to see what had made him fall. His face lit up when he saw it. “Ooo! A HP banana!” He quickly picked it up and started to peel it. Moana stared at him. “Are you actually gonna eat that? What if you get a disease?” 

“That’s future me's problem! Want half?” He said, carefully halving the fruit and holding one piece in front of Moana for them to take. Which, with a sigh, they do. “It’s your fault if I die.” Rusty chuckles as both of them eat the fruit. “I take full responsibility.”

As they keep walking, they hear a screech, and a green mass barreled into Moana. They tried to push the mass off them, but that only resulted in them getting a headbutt to the nose. “FUCK!” 

Rusty tried to head towards them but was stopped by another moth, it slapping him in the face. Furious, he punched right back, and before it could recover he smacked it with his frying pan a few times. He then turned to Moana, recognizing their attacker as a Goblin. During his fight with the Moth, it seemed Moana was able to get a hit in if the blood dripping from the creatures side was any indication. He watched as Moana stabbed the Goblin in the side of its head with the dagger, finally defeating it.

Moana got up, holding their bleeding nose in one hand, and pulling out the dagger with the other. Rusty got a few tissues from his bag and handed them to the enby, before wiping the blood from his chin from the slap he got in his battle. “Guess we should have saved that HP banana huh?” He joked lightly, getting a tired grunt as a response.

They continued to walk, a little slower than before. Moana stopped, yawning. “I’m so fucking tired.”

Rusty huffed at the profanity, but couldn’t help but agree with them. “Yeah… I don’t know how much longer I can last…” At that, the pendant started to glow again. Moana, thinking quickly, threw it off their neck, right before it shot off to somewhere in the distance. Rusty looked at them with tired confusion. “How’d you know to do that?” 

Moana pinched the bridge of their nose. “Experience…” 

Rusty blinked and decided to leave it at that, following Moana as they headed in the direction of the still glowing pendant. He blinked again when they reached it. “An inn?” Moana sighed, grabbing the heir-loom and putting it back on. The both of them entered, rented a room, and got into their separate beds.

They were asleep before their heads hit the pillows.


End file.
